I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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