i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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