I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
