you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
