Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
