Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Ketchup is God's man juice
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You took a bar mat shot.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
