Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
