i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I could fuck to npr.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
