he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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