Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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