There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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