A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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