I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
