Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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