You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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