Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
