why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
