The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
