wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
