In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I understand Curling. That high.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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