Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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