matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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