he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
organizing the empties. That sober.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
