so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
