i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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