we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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