you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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