Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
