Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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