some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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