Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
