It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
