Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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