Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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