Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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