my phone needs a breathalizer
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
