Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
