Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I could make wine with my vomit
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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