So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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