please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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