If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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