I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
