I'm so fucking centered right now
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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