I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
