I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
