Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
