I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
false alarm. still invincible.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
