I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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