AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Randomize
