non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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