she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
