1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
